~Gracie Ann~

So its been a while since my last entry. Pollyanna has been gone for almost a month now and it has been sad we have missed her a ton. Our house has not been the same since she left. My parents decided that they would get a puppy. Her name is going to be gracie ann(middle name not for sure yet) She will arrive from Garlind Ridge Collies Near Madison Wisconsin. There were two litters one was born on my mothers Birthday on november 26th and the second litter was born on december 8th. I'm so excited to see which puppy she will be. We will be getting her in the beginning of february.

YAY@@!!

Ammers!!!

RIP ~POLLYANNA MARIE MOLIN~

RIP POLLYANNA MARIE MOLIN

06~21~1994 - 11~15~2007 @ 3:10PM

Sad Times......

Today is not an easy day for me. I only had two classes and I don't have to work, but I am at home trying to say goodbye to a wonderful puppy that has been in my family's life for the past 8 years. Polly had a stroke last Friday night and hasn't really improved much. She is confused and not really with it but she is still there. I took her for a walk the other night and when i showed her the leash she tried to jump and bark and be excited but it came out kind of like a whine and half bark. but she hopped up a few times. Not the old girl i used to know but she's in there somewhere. My parents made the devastating decision to have her put to sleep. She is at home resting having all the treats we can possibly give her. I haven't really cried til this afternoon when my mom told me they had an appointment set for tomorrow afternoon. Its happening its real she will not be here for this weekend or another family get together. I know its for the best and its stopping her suffering but I don't like it I'm selfish. I'm trying to go through the grieving process but its hard because she is still here eating the treats I'm giving her hopping up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom, laying down on the carpet in front of me. She is also running into walls has a permanent head tilt to the left(her tail even angles that way) and has a dazed and confused look in her eyes. I just wish my parents would wait until Monday. They go up north every weekend... Polly Loves it up there. she used to actually sit on the front porch when it was time to go home and not move until my dad made her come even though she was going for a car ride, she loved it there and never wanted to leave, I believe it would be nice to take her there one last time. I'm considering stealing her and driving up tomorrow after class so she can be there one last time. This is so incredibly hard i really don't know what I'm going to do when she is not here. Its the plain and simple fact that its habit I wake up and Polly is here i need to let her out etc etc now is the time in my grieving process where I'm feeling guilt, for not spending more time with her or taking her for more walks. I just want more time (there is my bargaining...) I want her to be able to enjoy a few last car rides not just the death ride to the vet. I feel so helpless not being able to do anything. I keep thinking in human terms about my residents who've had strokes they got worse before they got better but we wouldn't euthanize a human being.. even though their families were on death watch for a while. People think of their pets as humans sisters brothers sons and daughters.... Why did i think this would be so easy... Its as the saying goes you never really miss something or someone until their really gone.
Pollyanna Marie Molin !!!!(that's what I've always called her)

Baby Grace

I'm reading the news today and I'm seeing this article about "Baby Grace." It is heartbreaking, and emotional and really hard to comprehend how someone could do this to a little girl she is only 2 or 3 years old and they killed her and stuffed her body in a box. Then proceeded to shove her out into the ocean thinking that the tides would not bring the box in??? This is unfathomable to my mind how people come up with these ideas, how a child could be so "bad" as to have to kill her? no one knows who this baby girl is or really much more then she is a precious angel whose life was cut too short by a person whom seems to have had no conscience or moral bone in their body. I am just thinking about this little girl and praying that the police are able to find whomever did this to her and maybe show them what it feels like to to be bludgeoned in the back of the head then shoved into a box and thrown in the ocean. Please pray for this little girl and hope that they find the person or persons responsible and bring them to justice. There really is not justice in this case though because even if they get the death sentence its more then likely they'll die in prison, which these days is like a 4 star hotel. The Bastards.....

Good Thing!!!

Work was good tonight. I passed Pills on the TCU(Transitional Care Unit) a place where there are normally staffed with 3 nurse's, But tonight was an exception census was low so they only had two nurses then they got a TMA(Trained Medication Aide) ~ME~ I was able to lighten the load for the nurses and allow them to concentrate on their tasks of paperwork etc... Nick came to work tonight and brought me a yummy dinner. It was really nice and i enjoyed having him there for our little dinner date! It's really weird finding out when you've moved in to a position of seniority over people you work with daily, just because you pass pills. I had an aide tonight that i asked to simply get a resident a commode because i was in the middle of pill pass and could not stop to get it. She kind of looked at me like a deer in the headlights and turned and then went on pretending to do work while allowing the other aide to do the majority of it. I discussed this with a nurse on the station and she said that i needed to talk to her face to face and have her nkow that she needs to help me when i am being a TMA etc and I am the worst at confrontation about these things because i feel like i am not one to say that she was doing anything wrong... So i dont know just had to blog about it ... Lots of Love ~Ammers~

Sorry!!

Ok I'm Really sorry my last post was REALLY REALLY morbid and sad but I needed to vent and it was late and I had no one to talk to. ~Ammers~

Starting over....

So I guess my last attempt didnt work very well. But since Mary Lou and Pete are now blogging I figure I should be blogging... But then again they are doing interesting things with their lives mine is only school and taking care of my wonderful residents at work. Work was very interesting tonight it was hard, but a learning experience at the same time. Death is not something people are comfortable with, its not something they look forward to. Tonight I had a resident pass away while I was in the room with her. I had asked her family members to leave the room while I performed evening cares. Repositioning, changing their brief, washing her up, Now mind you she was on comfort cares meaning she was expected to pass within a few days. While another aid and I were doing our cares her breathing became lesser, far and few. She had started mottling, her legs were cold arms, etc. I continued washing her until she took one final gasp of air. Her chest rose higher then it had previously. Then she was done the other aid put her hand on her chest. Feeling her heart beating no more instinctively I put my hand there praying to feel a beat. Where just hours before I had counted the beats feeling them for a full minute with my hand in the same position. There was none. She was truly done, deceased. My chest filled with tightness. This was my fault that her family was unable to be with her when she passed, I was the one that had asked them to leave. I could feel myself beginning to panic , I just needed to breathe, I needed to get out the door and to the nurse a few doors down without her family knowing. I got to the nurse and told her in my panicked voice. There is no heart beat she died while we were washing her up. I was unable to handle this my stomach was churning in knots and I just needed to focus on something. I am ok with death but this was my first experience touching someone and watching them take their last breath. Being able to know the smell of death when you walk into a room is not something that you look forward to knowing. But I do know that smell, I do know what it looks like and I do know what it feels like when you touch someone and you know they are about to die because their stomach is cold, and their face is turning blue and their breath is soon to be no more. I am ok with death. Not comfortable quite yet nor will I be for a very long time. It is a part of life and dealing with life in my career I also have to deal with death. Having dealt with this before my fellow employees reminded me that this happens quite often. People will wait until their family has left the room to pass away even if only for a minute. This I understand and am comfortable with. Its late and I am tired. I promise not all of these blogs will be like this only a few when my work follows me home and I need someone to talk to at midnight when I get there. Lots of Love! Ammers!

PIcture day!!!

Deja vue

I dont know if its me. the song, or people around me. Im still listening to James Blunt You're Beautiful on repeat. This time i have issues with people in my life. Some are just great, Some are psychotic, some are well.....they are just themselves There is no easy way to describe the type of person they are.

Face the truth

Have you ever heard the song you're beautiful by james blunt? It is truly a song that for some reason has calmed me i dont feel that all the words describe me or my story but the basis of the song is so TRUE.. When i have things like this happen in my life i usually turn to music maybe a song that is popular in the moment or a song from the past, But i look for anything that will help me relieve the pain i am feeling i think the two things that will help me with this time in my life are music, and the ability to talk i need to tell people what a great man my grandfather was no matter if they want to listen or not i just need to talk about him.

Bompa

WELL... this week leading up to my becoming a non-teenager has been one of trials and tribulations and pain. My grandfather the wonderful 93 year old man who is affectionately called "Bompa" cause someone couldnt say grandpa, passed away he fell a week previous to his death and went into hospital after breaking his hip they say that, Among older adults, falls are the leading cause of injury deaths. The hardest part is that they said he was going to have surgery etc and all that stuff so kept thinking its ok ill go see him this day or this day.. then my mom told me from California on the phone that his kidneys were failing and that tells me everything is starting to shut downso i went and saw him, and his eyes were so tightly closed he was in pain.Which of anything is the one thing of all you dont want your loved ones to have to go through, Being his stubborn norwegian self he wouldnt push the morphine button, which we all know will ease the pain, but he wouldnt so we did it for him. Pretty soon it got apparent that he would pass away on his last day alive i got the privilege and the honor of being the last person that he was responsive to, it wasnt a reply that anyone could understand but what i said to him within my tears was I love you Grandpa, and his reply was i love you to amy, which made me cry even more which was when he started to fail quickly and scare me. I stayed till one in the morning when i left and my mother stayed in his room with her sister the entire night and at 8:40 wednesday mormning they decided to go down and get coffee and at 8:55 when they returned to the room he had passed away. I attempted to be the strong one of trhe girls in my fmily but i cant do it anymore i cant fake it i need to mourn just like them i may not cry as much or as hard but im a private person if those that know me can believe it i dont like to show my emotions i dont like to show vulnerablilty, But i need to just be able to scream out loud and cry as hard as i can I need A HUG. In times like this there is only one person able to console me and he is the man that has always been able to console me my daddy, he can hug me better than no other when i really need it. Today at the funeral it was good i couldnt help but cry when leaving my grandpa at the cemetary i wanted to just see him one more time we had the internment before the funeral so we cried and cried then we had to go face people it was very tough. but i found one piece of good about it he is now in a place wheer he can watch the olympics with no commercials and play golf 24 hours a day in the total sunshine and he is now playing with the masters. RIP GRANDPA ED 2*8*2006

Ammers

Starting.....

I've never really been good at keeping a Blog the main reason i make a blog is to be able to read others where you need to "Be a Member" so you need to "Sign Up Here" so i do and all that jazz then i use it to read others so im hoping this one wll go better than my last attempts!!!!
Ammers!!